Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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