apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
