you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
we're so committed to being not committed
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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