remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
