hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
