no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
being pregnant is like rehab
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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