I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
