Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
vagina is talking i cant
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
