Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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