he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
