So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
