Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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