He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The best revenge is premature balding
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
