My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
