I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize