I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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