strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
