Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
