i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i love accidental penises.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
