you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
