Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Randomize
