i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
