I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
