I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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