had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
