i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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