Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize