Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
