anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
