turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
