I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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