she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
