Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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