You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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