This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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