last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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