I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize