someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
