The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
