I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
