he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
