im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
