what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
