glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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