i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
