Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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