I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
