last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
