I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
