You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
