I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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