where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I met the friendliest cop last night
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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