his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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