i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
