You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
