Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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