I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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