highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
