I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
